Untimely Reviews – 2 star movies: “AVP”

    Some 2 star movies are really 3 star movies, some are really 1 star movies, but most are really just 2 star movies.  I had occasion to watch a bevy of them recently, and this startling epiphany came to me.  The only problem with coming to this conclusion was having to watch a lot of 1 star and 2 star movies.  Thus begins a multipart essay on this topic, that likely no one really cares about anymore. 


    Allow me to provide a little background, or don't allow me and just skip this paragraph.  Our little baby was a one-parent at a time sort of kid; he had to be held at all times.  Then came the time of the long naps.  Little man's digestive system had matured to the point where he did not need to eat and poop every hour during the day.  Thank goodness because this meant that the could take 2 to 3 hour naps, perfectly coinciding with the time necessary to watch a movie.  Our DVR was chock full of potential cinematic wonders such as "Aliens versus Predator" and "The Core".  My wife did her thing, I watched 2 star movies.


"Aliens versus Predator"

    When a film comes out that fills a sci-fi craving for a certain franchise, it is big news.  "Aliens versus Predator" straddles two franchises, and is therefore huge news.  At least was when it came out in theatres.  Pity the opening night audiences unprepared for the shocking scenes of really bad scenes.  Consider yourself fortunate, for you have the benefit of this untimely review.


"Aliens versus Predator", a.k.a. "AVP" to those who don't consider this film worth the use of whole words, might as well be titled "Freddy versus Jason 2: Only with Aliens and Predators instead of Freddy and Jason".  I think it was a bad artistic decision to come up with a story for how these two foam rubber bodysuits meet up and dispense hurting on each other.  In the 80 minute wonder that is "Freddy versus Jason", the extended fight scene in the last fifteen minutes constituted 90% of the fun. 

Had the two chop happy villains fought from the

very beginning, laying waste to the

rest of the cast before we learn that we really never cared about them, everyone could have walked home happy in a mere thirty minutes.  Not only would that be an artistic deviation from the norm, it would be efficient.  "AVP" takes an entirely different route altogether, it forgoes the satisfying fight and relies on an hour and a half of clichés and lame inter-alien combat.


   The defining moment of "AVP" is a scene where a Predator cuts the tail off of an Alien to disarm it, but the Alien is still battle worthy and flicks its acid blood at the Predator.  It reminded me of when my friends and I would argue about which fictional characters would win in a fight, except of course, we were about eight years old. 


Me:                  "The Alien has a pointy tail and so he could just harpoon the Predator and win the fight."

Other Kid:        "Nunt'a', the Predator has a sword and would chop the Alein's tail off, like shkink"

Me:                  "No way dumbass, the Alien would flick his blood at the Predator, and the blood is acid, and it would melt the Predator because that is what acid does, it melts things, stoopid". 

Other Kid:        "That was kind of harsh, calling me dumbass and stoopid.."

Me:                  "I'm sorry. I got a little carried away.  When I'm talking about Alien versus Predator, I just lose myself to it".

Other Kid:        "I know how that is.  We should cherish these childish discussions because we won't be able to argue like this when we're grow'd up."

Me:                  "You got that right; imagine being in our thirties or forties and still arguing about stoopid movie characters, ha ha ha"

Other Kid"       "Yeah, that would be so lame ass, ha ha ha"

Me:                  "ha ha ha ha"

Other Kid"       "Ha ha ha ha"


    There is also a great example of why not-so-smart people should not write dialogue for smart characters.  A scientist in "AVP" proclaims that the because the Incan calendar is based on units of 10, major events will occur every 10 minutes.  I would expect as much from a scared teenager in a horror film, but a scientist in science fiction film should know that every minute is made of 60 seconds, making his base 10 theory wholly inapplicable and quite stoopid.  Nevertheless, in "AVP" he is proven right.  Too bad everything else about the movie is so wrong.


    Check back soon, or if some time has passed already and soon has come and gone, scroll through the other posts regarding 2 star movies in this ongoing saga.

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