Untimely reviews of two star movies – Pirates of the Caribbean 2

Thus continues the long running series of reviews of two star movies. These movies all show up with two stars on my digital cable service. Who gives them the stars and the criteria for star giving is unknown. What is certain is that some movies are deserving of much better praise.

Have you heard about the new pirate movie? It was rated PG-13, er, it was rated aaarrrrrggghhh. Damn, I screwed that one up.

Last weekend I saw "Pirates of the Caribbean 3", days before I saw "Pirates of the Caribbean 2". This isn't the first time I have seen a sequel before the preceding sequel. I saw "Return of the Jedi" years before I saw "Empire Strikes Back". I had those moments like, "that's how Luke lost his hand!". Like "Star Wars", "Pirates" is one of those series of movies where so much is going on, "spoilers" do not mean much. I enjoyed "Pirates 2" knowing full well what was going to happen to all of the characters in "Pirates 3".

The "Pirates" movies have one great thing going for them, the pirates look all piratey. Most movies are full of beautiful people, and there are some lookers in the "Pirates" movies, but most of the pirates are scraggly, sunburned, dirty, wretches with rotting teeth and missing body parts. They look great! Other fine details abound: dirty ships, rich language, lots of sailing. There may be an anachronism or two, but the appearance of fish people indicates that these movies are not historical epics. Nevertheless, I feel an urge to visit a real sailing ship and learn more about pirating.

"Pirates 2" could be vexing because it is long and has no real ending. On the first point, the movie is 2.5 hours long, but every scene is entertaining and full of life. On the second point, I didn't care about the ending because I had already seen the sequel. I'd probably be pissed if I hadn't.

This movie is definitely above average in the fun to watch category. Only the criminally minded (a jealously star pirate perhaps) would give this movie a paltry two stars. The krakken deserves a star all on its own.

This movie is also notable in my mind for its level of violence and killing. It earns every bit of that PG-13 rating. Scores of pirates and innocent sailors are stabbed, eaten, drowned, blown up, and mercilessly cut down by the forces of evil. I would have loved it when I was 13.

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